How Texting Saved Our Marriage

Straight talk guys. Maybe someone reading is in the same situation. We want our love lives to be better but neither partner is going out of their way to change it. Someone has to take the first step and let’s be honest ladies, it is almost never the husband.

3 years ago my husband was working second shift, while I was working first shift.

We were ships passing in the night. On the weekend, we were running kids to their games, cleaning the house and prepping for the week ahead. There were, quite honestly, weeks where we didn’t even sneak in a quickie.

Man and woman sitting on a park bench looking away from each other. Obviously they are connected but they seem to be drifting apart in their relationship.

The longer we went without sex and intimacy, the easier it was to just not have sex. The less we desired each other. It was sad. We were also working a lot and at each other’s throats quite a bit. If we continued on that path our marriage was going to fail.

He had taken to getting his satisfaction from watching porn and I got mine from reading romance novels and erotica novels. We were already living parallel lives on the path to becoming separated. One night I decided if things were going to get better then it was likely going to be me who had to make it better. My husband just adapts to whatever the new norm is, even if that new norm is being too busy for sex.

a bed of white comforter that looks like it has been slept in.

So I sent him a simple text message, “I can’t wait to feel your hands on my body.” Not horrible, not over-sexualized, but tactile enough for him to get the image in his head. That night we made love like we hadn’t in a year. But then we slipped right back into our old habits. It was a nice rendezvous and that was it. What the heck?

Wife texting

So later that month, I made us a date night. We put the kids to bed early and we watched Fireproof. He cried (he’s a movie cryer), held me tight, and swore things were going to change. He didn’t want to lose me he said. I didn’t want us to end either. Within a week, everything went back to our old ways again. I was so frustrated. I wanted us to have a good relationship and to get back to a good place in our marriage. But I didn’t know how to get there…

We rarely got to actually talk during our week. He took his lunch when I was getting kids ready for bed. I took my lunch when he was getting the kids and himself ready to leave. I remember asking him why can’t we connect, and the thought of separation became words. Maybe we had fallen out of love.

About a month after our movie night he was working, I dropped him a text of a memory of our first time together. That’s always a winner. I made it a point to start texting him every day while he was at work so he could read it at lunch. It wasn’t always a sexy text but it was always something that solidified our connection. Sometimes I wrote him what I envisioned our future to look like, other times I sent a sexy text. Sometimes it was simply as “I hate going to sleep without you holding me.” I had to make it a point to convey my thoughts and feelings about this season of our lives.

Within a week he was texting me things on his mind too. Things that are hard to say in person and the distance of a text message makes it easier to bring things out into the open. One night the tipping point happened. A notification from my phone got my attention, I was half asleep with a baby with an earache. The day had been horrible.

I was beyond frustrated. I felt in over my head. The kids were getting sick, I was working more hours to try to increase our savings, I was so lonely. Everything felt heavy and honestly, I was starting to get depressed.

My phone glowed on the nightstand. Bing! I knew it was my husband, it was too late for anyone else. “I feel like I have failed you.” Gut punch. No explanation, nothing. Just that text. I didn’t text back. I did call into work the next morning and I set an alarm to wake up 30 minutes before he got home, which sucked majorly.

He opened up about how he hated that I had to work to keep us afloat financially. He knew how much I hated working and how miserable I was at my job and missing my babies. I’ve always been ambitious but after we had kids, I hated leaving them. They were my new ambition.

Both absolutely exhausted stayed up and talked through all of it. We were still talking when the sun was coming up between the trees. Major relationship pivot. Sexting and texting helped us find the root of our troubles, because it’s never just the lack of sex, it’s never the lack of togetherness. There is usually something bigger going on. For us it was me hating my job and him feeling less of a man because he couldn’t fully support us on that job. I still text him and sext him regularly even though we have much more time together.

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